Managing Separation Anxiety in Babies and Toddlers

I feel blessed to be the mother of three amazing children, and although I absolutely adore taking care of them, I wasn't entirely prepared for the challenges that came with their episodes of separation anxiety. There were moments when it seemed like I had a child permanently attached to me – and still do at times.

If you can relate to this experience and find yourself uncertain about the boundaries between you and your child, it's likely that your child is going through a peak in separation anxiety. This constant need to be with you 24/7 can impact your child’s sleep.

If you're seeking guidance to get back on track, book a discovery call today to learn how you can get personalized support from a certified sleep consultant.

What is Separation Anxiety?

In simple terms, separation anxiety occurs when your baby or toddler becomes anxious, worried, or upset when you leave them. It's a completely normal stage of development and doesn't indicate any issues with your child.

Around 6-8 months of age, babies grasp the concept of object permanence, understanding that things continue to exist even when out of sight. Before this stage, they struggle to comprehend the continued existence of objects or people when not in their view.

So, when you briefly leave your younger baby with another caregiver, they might think you're gone forever. Considering this perspective, it's understandable why such separations can be distressing for them. Upon your return, the surprise of seeing you again often brings immense joy.

However, you might wonder why older babies and toddlers, who understand that you haven't vanished forever, still experience distress when you leave. There are several reasons:

-       Intense developmental leaps lead to increased clinginess.

-       Limited understanding of time causes unsettled feelings during your absence.

-       You've been their primary caregiver, providing a sense of safety, security, and love.

Signs of Separation Anxiety

Babies and toddlers undergoing separation anxiety fear that their primary caregiver will leave and not return. This anxiety can stem from various factors, manifesting in signs such as:

-       Crying when you leave the room

-       Clinging or crying in new environments

-       Distress when meeting new people

-       Resistance to settling at naps and bedtime

-       Desire for a parent's presence when falling asleep

-       Nighttime waking or increased waking frequency

-       Nightmares involving separation or being alone (around 2 years old)

When Does Separation Anxiety Start?

Separation anxiety typically emerges around 6 months old, with most children outgrowing it by age 3. Though it may seem like a long duration, the good news is that your child won't experience constant anxiety but rather peaks and troughs.

Your child's temperament also influences the frequency and intensity of separation anxiety. Personal experiences have shown that separation anxiety can vary significantly between children.

Separation Anxiety in Babies

Newborns usually enjoy being passed between family members and friends. As they grow older, they may become less inclined to be held by strangers, and even familiar faces may not suffice if you briefly disappear. The development of object permanence around 6-8 months can alleviate separation anxiety temporarily, but various developmental leaps, such as the 8-10 month sleep regression, can trigger peaks in clinginess and crankiness.

Separation anxiety becomes more pronounced in toddlers as they transition from being the tiny ones to venturing into toddlerhood, where their growth and development slow compared to the rapid pace of their first year. This deceleration results in greater variability in their achievement of developmental milestones.

Separation Anxiety in Toddlers

Similarly, separation anxiety varies among toddlers. While one may experience a peak at 15 months, another might not encounter it until closer to the age of 2. Toddlers exhibit unique patterns, emphasizing their individuality.

Notably, sleep regressions often coincide with separation anxiety, with the 18-month regression causing sudden clinginess and anxiety in toddlers.

It's important to recognize that significant changes in a toddler's life can trigger heightened separation anxiety, and what may seem "big" to them might differ significantly from your interpretation.

Duration of Separation Anxiety

The intensity of separation anxiety fluctuates. There are moments when your toddler is perfectly fine with you leaving, and others when a brief absence, even for a restroom break, prompts instant tears. As mentioned earlier, separation anxiety tends to peak at specific intervals.

During these peaks, a baby's separation anxiety may last a week or two before subsiding, while with toddlers, the duration can extend up to a month. On challenging days, it's crucial to remind yourself that this phase is temporary, and soon you'll regain the ability to perform simple tasks without triggering emotional distress.

Separation Anxiety at Night

If your baby or toddler is experiencing increased nighttime waking, it's prudent to first investigate common reasons for overnight disturbances. If no apparent cause is found, consider whether the signs of separation anxiety mentioned earlier are present.

How Can You Support Your Child with Separation Anxiety?

If separation anxiety is identified as the cause, there are strategies to provide support: 

• Establish and maintain regular nap and bedtime routines. Consistency helps to build confidence around what will happen next.

• Engage in peekaboo with younger infants or play hide and seek with older toddlers. These straightforward games assist your little one in grasping the concept that when you leave, you will eventually return, turning the experience into a joyful one rather than a distressing ordeal.

• ·Promote independence and exploration in safe environments, whether at home, with new objects, or in unfamiliar settings. At home, permit your crawling baby or toddler to spend brief moments alone in another room, ensuring safety first. Inform your child before leaving the room, then promptly return.

• Gradually extend the duration of time you spend away from your child. If you've never been apart from your baby, start with short intervals, such as leaving for a few minutes to run errands, instead of planning an entire weekend away.

• Keep goodbyes brief and positive. Regardless of any personal worries or sadness, wear a cheerful smile and bid farewell confidently. Prolonged, emotional goodbyes often exacerbate both your child's distress and your own.

• For toddlers, use time-specific language that holds meaning for them. If you know you'll be home at noon, phrase it as "I'll be home at lunchtime, before your nap" to provide a clear understanding of when you'll return.

If you are seeking support with your child’s separation anxiety or sleep challenges, book a discovery call. We’re here to empower, guide and support your family on the journey to a well-rested lifestyle.